Worry and relaxation

I have just had several lovely weeks away from work. It has been such a blessing. I have been so blissfully relaxed. I'm happy, I'm dreaming about things apart from work, and I have had the energy to do non-essential cooking.

It has been a nourishing time, and a much-needed one.

Now I'm wondering how I can carry this feeling of peace and being chilled with me into the next rotation. I know that I probably won't, but I really, really want to try.

The last time I managed this was during my psychiatry rotation. I'm hoping to be able to obtain it again when I start to specialise in this area. I like to do things promptly and in an organised fashion, but it is far more relaxing for me to know that they do not need to be done right now and can probably wait a few hours or even a day or three.

I was quite relaxed during my emergency rotation, but found the style of work very tiring and thoughts of having missed things or having documented something incompletely often plagued me in my sleep. Bed block and ambulance ramping are nightmares.

You can tell that I'm worrying about it a bit already - after all, I have just written this post.

Blah blah blah

I haven't written much in the past few weeks because somehow so much has happened, but there is so little that I feel I can write.

I have done something to my hip, and it hurts. It is much improved from when it first started, but I don't know if I should run the 10km tomorrow, and I have been training for this one for months. At least I did a different 10km a couple of weeks ago and managed my goal time in that one (58 minutes), so the disappointment is mildly diminished.

I can run about 5km at home without any issues, but I'm concerned that if I did the full 10km, it would aggravate it even more.

Obs and Gynae rotation is going far better than expected, and I am really enjoying it. Apart from nearly fainting during my first caesarian and being chased out of the theatre by an overly aggressive nurse before the second one could start, the experiences have been positive.

I don't think I could work in that area, as I would be so very concerned for the mothers and babies, but it is a fantastic area to do a student placement in. The vast majority of patients have happy outcomes, and I get to see a lot of babies and pregnant ladies, both of whom I really enjoy spending time with.

Mr TGWTBS is also away for work for a great many weeks, so I'm grateful for long days. I really don't like being home alone, and as much fun as the cats are, they aren't the same as human company. Intern applications are also coming up, so I'm stressed about that as well.

What are the healthy ways for a medical student (or anybody) to cope with stress? Exercise. Find positive and fun active things to do in your down time. Plan out your day. Minimise the stress by delegating the things you don't have to do. Laugh. I know it all in theory, now to put it all into practice.

Eep

Why do I always feel like I have failed an exam after I have sat it? Even though I have NEVER failed one in my entire life, I still feel this way.

The strange thing about going back to study after working for a few years, is that you get used to the responsible (haha!) worker mind-set, and expect yourself to be able to do everything that is asked (at least reasonably). The thing is that in exams, while it would be fantastic to know everything on the exam, it is not necessary to actually know everything to pass. (Well, not for most subjects . . .)

Thus, when you go into an exam feeling like you HAVE to know everything on it, and you don't, it scares the living hell out of you and you feel like you have failed.

Then again, I would rather have a doctor who knows as much as possible, wouldn't you? Even though a lot of what we learn in first-year is just foundation theory, it must still help somehow.

*End rant of massive self-pity*

Hello, stomach!

I have eaten too much acidic food (why is fruit so tasty??) and now Gastrogel is my friend. The stress and extra coffee are also to blame.

I can't whinge about growing older being the cause - I had worse stomach inflammation when I was in my late teens. Now it only flairs up occasionally, and I am good at getting onto things to calm it down before it REALLY hurts.

You can now buy Ranitidine (Zantac) over the counter in Australia but I am hoping that it won't come to that.

Now excuse me, I need to do a shot of Gastrogel and drink something a little more stomach-friendly than black coffee.

Stress peak

At the moment, I know that I have reached my stress peak. How? Because nothing short of a disaster seems to dent my calm.

Usually I HATE going to the grocery store, particularly during the day. There are too many aggressive people with trolleys, children trying to throw themselves under my trolley wheels and huge lines.

Today, it didn't even bug me in the slightest. I just wandered along in a happy state. My handbasket became overloaded, so I just rearranged it so everything would fit, and held it so the handles didn't snap like little twigs under the huge load of veggies, fruit and rice milk.

When I got to the check-out, the lady working there managed to scan my rockmelon (Australian for "cantaloupe") in as a bag of tomatoes and then had to call for help to fix the problem. I looked at the picture on the checkout screen (they have LCD screens at my grocery store) of big, red tomatoes, looked down at my little rockmelon, and thought it was funny. (I'm an abstract and divergent thinker, and usually find things that are ridiculously out of place highly amusing. I'm not entirely losing my mind!) I didn't get annoyed at the delay at all.

As I was about to walk out of the checkout, with two heavy bags, the woman in the checkout next to me parked her trolley which was loaded with groceries and two small children, directly across my exit, meaning that I was trapped with two very full hands. (I am sure she didn't mean to do it, but was distracted as she had just been grocery shopping with two small children in tow!) With the help of the checkout lady, I managed to nudge the trolley away enough to escape, at which point the mother realised what she had done and apologised profusely. I really didn't mind at all, and found it amusing.

Normally, these things would have annoyed me a little. However, when I am under stress, I tend to function pretty well, and seem calmer and happier than normal. If I am under no stress at all, I get miserable and depressed. It is an odd personality quirk, and I don't think I would ever be capable of a laid-back life!

Just a quick note - has anybody else noticed that the Christmas decorations are up at the shop already?? The checkout lady mentioned to me that it is only 10 weeks away. I'm not really looking forward to Christmas day. It is the day you get to spend with the relatives that you don't like enough to spend time with normally. And you get to give them presents. Bah, humbug!!

Good-bye, September

September is at an end, and the weather is getting very warm. Exams are getting close, and I get to work out a way to study while dripping sweat. I hate being hot. :(

I went to the air-conditioned gym today and did an RPM class (on exercise bikes to music) and even though I was sweating and working hard, I actually felt cooler than when I was sitting at home studying in the heat.

Also, what is it about exams being close that makes me want to cook, even though it is very warm in the kitchen? Anyway, please excuse the post quality. The other thing about being hot is that I get quite vague and have difficulty concentrating.

Northern Hemisphere residents, right now I am jealous.

Another baby post

It is funny how life seems to go on around me as I sit and study medicine. Several people close to me are very pregnant and due soon. Being a similar age to them and also married, it sometimes feels odd that I am not going to be having children any time soon. Odd, but a relief.

There are two things that I have done in life that have helped me enormously when dealing with small children: owning cats and working with babies and little kids. Sure, saying that having cared for cats for years helps with children sounds strange to begin with. But think of it like this: cats make up their own minds about what they do and don't want to do.

If you have to make them do something, such as taking a tablet or even holding them when they don't want to be held, you have to be able to do it quickly and with the least amount of distress for them and for yourself, no matter how much they don't want to. (Fortunately babies aren't born with massive claws. Or sharp teeth. Not that I have ever been scratched badly or bitten by a cat, but it would be one less thing to worry about.)

Holding squirming cats has made me good at holding squirming babies. I also seem to talk to babies as if I am talking to one of my cats. Which is just darn weird. However, they seem to like it. By the time they are past being treated like cats (at around 1 year or so), they are more like cheeky little people, who I can deal with as long as I get to hand them back.

Working with small children as part of my old job helps, too. If I could stand in a hospital room flailing my arms in the air and cheering without feeling silly while being a working professional, I can do it in a private residence without even flinching. It is much less likely that the Departmental Director will walk past you and complement you on your cheering skills while you are at a friend's home.

I am very much looking forward to dealing with babies clinically for the first time, as a medical student. They are so different from the average adult patient that it will be quite novel. Of course, there will probably be quite a few comments about me getting clucky from my (much younger and unmarried) fellow students. Meh. I can live with that.

So friends have their babies, and I have my medical degree. I need to make sure I am living in the meantime, as well as studying. Fortunately, I still have a semi-active social life, as well as a husband and a home furnished with cats, which helps.

I think that studying medicine is actually very good for me. I am less stressed and am actually living my life much more than I did when I was working full-time. (I used to have to run out to the nurses' station and for Gastrogel shots on a regular basis on the bad days. There were a lot of bad days.)

I actually have goals outside of study that aren't even work-related. Sometimes as we work on things we fully intend to get better at, we grow in ways we never expected. I know that as exams approach this might change a little. But it is still there to begin with, which is something I never accomplished while at work.

Whiney Post #99874276

I'm feeling completely unenthusiastic about everything at the moment. I got home in the middle of the day and felt so tired that I just had to have a bit of a nap. I lay down at 1pm and woke up at 5pm! So much for the afternoon of studying I had planned. The dreams I had were much more interesting than the Krebs Cycle, so it wasn't a complete loss.

I think one of the reasons I am finding it tough is that we are focusing so much on the theory behind the human body rather than the illnesses themselves. The human body IS very interesting, but at the moment I am just a little worn-down from constantly feeling like I am behind everybody else. I'm looking forward to getting out into the hospitals again, where I actually feel comfortable.

The best way for me to get through this year is probably going to be focusing on the fact that in second-year everything becomes much more based on pathology, and then after that life becomes almost completely hospital-based. I am really looking forward to it, but am trying to be conscious of enjoying today while I am here.

My back has also been giving me merry hell for sitting down for so many hours each day. I am used to being on my feet all day, and studying is proving to be bad for my waistline, my bank balance AND my back! The only time it feels good is when I am lying down or standing up. I have three alternatives - either I study lying down (which would be a speedy trip to Z-Town) or while I am pacing the room (I would get good arm muscles from my textbooks!), or I go buy some anti-inflammatory cream and learn to sit with better posture!

It feels MUCH better to have gotten that off my chest. Back to my arch-nemesis, Mr Krebs Cycle.

Snapshot

I just had to add a quick snapshot of how I feel right now, just to record it so I can laugh over it later.

I am feeling highly overwhelmed at the moment by all of the work we have to learn. I have been told that this is a completely normal way to feel at this point in time and I think that if I didn't feel this way I should be more worried.

Our first exam is in June this year, and I am quite nervous about it. I'm moderately sure that I will have done enough to pass, but it just seems too far away and insurmountable at this point in time. I might as well be looking up towards the top of Mount Everest. And yes, I know that it will feel this was at EVERY stage in my career from here on in. I like a challenge in front of me. It is part of why I am here.

Every week they throw new information at us and we somehow try to clamber over it and assimilate it into our brains before they start hurling new information the next week. Come to think of it, they don't actually throw the information at us all of the time. A LOT of the time they ask us questions about things that we are apparently supposed to know and we spend the time clambering around piles of textbooks in a blind panic trying to find whatever the hell it is we are supposed to know, in a form that will allow our brains to understand it.

Anyway, the part I wanted to record is the fact that I am completely and utterly in awe of anybody who has passed first-year medicine. Even the mid-years. Wow. You guys rock.

Yes, laugh it up. I will, next year. Which is why I wanted to write it down.

Next year I will read it, and think, "Hey, that is exactly the way I feel about the third-years!"

Don't even ask me how I feel about consultants. It is just too far away to see.

Rant time

I'm mildly annoyed. One of the things I learned in previous studies is to keep on track with study by looking at past exams from time to time to see if I am covering the material in a way so that my study should be reflected in my ability to answer the exams.

There is nothing worse than spending an excessive amount of time studying for an exam that you don't do well in. I firmly believe that you should be rewarded for the hard work you do. I'm not a "gunner" - I'm happy to help everybody else who needs it, too. I hate seeing other people who have worked their arses off not do so well.

This morning I printed out the exam questions that we are supposed to be able to cover after having studied what we learned this week. Unfortunately there seems to be little of the finely-detailed science, and a lot of the social-impact type questions that were:
1) not given much time in lectures OR PBL; and/or
2) not even provided in lecture notes because they were supposed to be "sensitive material".

I would love to be able to write on an exam paper that I couldn't answer the question as the material was "sensitive". How the hell are we supposed to study something if they won't even give us the information? Bollocks to the fact that it is "sensitive", if we are supposed to learn it then give it to us!

If they can't even give us the information, then it is grossly unfair that we could be examined on it. It is a giant farce.

Teamwork and showers . . .

When I started medicine, I knew it would be difficult. However, I had no idea just how completely overwhelmed both I and everybody I know in the course would be feeling just a few weeks in. (Except for those of you who either don't study or who know it all already. But you are few and far between, and because you are either not going to be here much longer, or are clearly not human, you don't count. Sorry.)

Here is a rather creative (aka far-fetched) analogy: imagine you are told you have to familiarise yourself with every drop of water that comes out of a tap. That's ok, you think. If I work hard, I will be able to keep up. Suddenly you realise that it isn't a tap but a shower, one of those high-pressure ones with a million jet streams of water. And nobody is turning it down or off any time soon. And they still expect you to know the drops of water, even the ones that are down the drain and far, far away into the sewer of life.

Ok, so that was silly and rather badly-written. If I had more time and energy I would pen a haiku on the topic. In fact, here is one that I clearly didn't prepare earlier:

I stand in the rain.
Drops pouring down past me, scared.
Too much too fast - d'oh!

Enzymes and t-cells
are like Dutch or football games.
Some love them - not me.

If you're still here after that little bit of pain, congratulations.

Thank goodness there is a core group of us (well, I dabble in a few groups!) who are banding together and helping each other out. Many hands make light work! After all, I would consider it good practise for when we are out in the big bad world working as doctors. There are some people in the course who are, at times, silly. But the people I mainly work around are people I will be proud to call colleagues in a few short years. Thanks, guys.

If you do a similar thing for people you study with, thank-you, too. You clearly rock.