Changes

Having been around for a few years and lived through a great number of changes and shifts in my world, I know that there are periods in your life where you feel things move and alter, and you come out the other end a slightly different version of yourself.

I feel like I'm going through one of those now. The next stage in my life is on its way.

I'm not entirely sure why. We apply for internship in a few days, and so I know that I'll be back in the working world very soon. This could be it. I'm starting to get back into the working-person mentality.

I'm so very glad that I have had a previous career. Starting out into the time of your life where you begin your first career job is challenging. A lot changes about the way you see the world and see yourself, and it can be a painful process, even though you may not admit it to anybody else.

Students are both coddled and dismissed as a general rule. You are sheltered from most of the responsibility. As much as you might think that you are acting as a doctor/nurse/radiographer/whatever, you are still directly supervised by somebody who has to clean up your mess or check up on you all of the time. Although some might think that we are going to be in a similar situation as interns, being supervised by registrars, the interns still have assigned work, responsibility and their own job role.

When things get really shitty, you are just the student and can be pushed out of the way for all of the actual doctors to take care of things. As the intern, you are one of the doctors - albeit a junior one.

I also think that I have matured a lot in the past four years. I'm a lot tougher, and things that I would have taken personally and would have made me cry now just make me shrug or not even blink. Social slights from friends (unintended or not) just slide off me like water off a duck's back. Sometimes I wonder why I'm not more included in things, but then I wonder whether I would really want to be. I'm happy being an introverted homebody.

Thankfully I seem to have retained some capacity for empathy and joy with patients. I get all misty-eyed when I see the new dads weeping at the sight of their newborn resting on their wife's chest, and I feel so proud of them sitting there and supporting their wives, being themselves proud of how hard she is working and what she is going through. The women amaze me.

The same thing goes for patients elsewhere. It is just easier to relate positive empathy, as you feel more distanced towards people who are going through rough times. I have been in the lift on multiple occasions with families who have just lost a loved one. Their weeping would break your heart, if you let it.

It isn't my burden to bear, and I couldn't do my job if I let it get to me, but I can be kind and empathetic and give them as much time, talking (or not-talking) and tissues as they need.

Years ago when I was a student in my first career, I heard the dark jokes of the staff about patients and was mortified. I nearly left health at that point because I didn't want to become cold like that. The impression I had was that they were heartless. Now I know that it is just a protective mechanism (and several of them were just pricks anyway), and having that impact on me so early in the piece, I like to think that I'm more conscious of any tendency to become that black.

If you told my 22-year-old self that at 32 she would be nearly finished medicine and have retained empathy and not become a hard shell of a person, she would be both disbelieving, happy and relieved at the same time.

So, what is shifting right now? I'm not sure, I can just feel a change coming. I think I've become more honest with myself about certain social patterns, and know that I'm not as close to some people as I thought I was. This is nobody's fault, it is just the way things are.

I think things will change a lot when we all start work next year. It will be one hell of a test, and some friendships won't make it and will die natural deaths, and new ones will spring up in their place. This is the way that life works. We change, we grow and we move on.

To be honest, I can't wait to be back to work. Being a student has been a challenge, but on my worst day I never felt as awful as I did leaving work on my better days as a radiographer. However, as much as I disliked my job, there is something that I love about working - actually working, not student "working". I like responsibility, I love feeling part of a team, and I like being a part of the big machine rather than an onlooker. I miss genuinely being able to help.

I could also be stressed, but my husband has said that he is beyond proud of me finishing medical school, and is happy to move to wherever I go. There are some rural places where he is more likely to get a job than others, so I'll put them up the list of preferences.

It could also be PMS. But not really.

This has been a long post, so if you have gotten this far, thanks for reading. It felt good to get all of that off my chest.

How To Have An Afternoon Nap, TGWTBS-Style

1. Lie down after lunch on your bed in a semi-dark room and read a book. It doesn't matter how interesting the book is, if you have had a long and draining week, it will work. Within ten minutes, you will have put the book to the side, turned off the reading light and gone to the land of nod.
2. You are disturbed by the sound of your own snore, which scares you as much as unexpected bodily noises can, and wake up and roll sideways, going back to sleep immediately.
3. Twenty minutes into your sleep, your parents call. "I knew you would be asleep," they say. Way to use your psychic powers for evil instead of good, Mum and Dad.
4. Get back to sleep after a blurry conversation about the rain and somethingorother about school meetings.
5. Get woken up by a marketing person who demands to talk about marketing and advertising to somebody over twenty and working. Telling them that your number is unlisted and you are on the Do Not Call registry is beyond you, so you just say "No" and hang up. Marketing people have the Gift and will call during dinner or naps. Evil.
6. Doze off.
7. Get woken up by a kid next door playing trumpet. Must be a visitor, as I have never heard him before. Why? Perhaps he, too, has psychic powers for evil.
8. Doze off again.
9. Get woken up by remote-husband's text message, telling me that he is going to see a movie. 2000km away. Awesome.
10. Get woken even more by a second text telling me that he also got a haircut. I won't see it before it all grows back again. Even better. Sweetness and evil together are the most fun combination.
11. Try to doze off but am now surrounded by hungry cats who are obviously confused as it is a good two hours before their dinner time. They take turns purring and miaowing. Cats never try to hide the evil.
12. I give up, get up to finish Saturday chores and resolve to not feed cats for another two hours. Evil rubs off.

The end.

Blah blah blah

I haven't written much in the past few weeks because somehow so much has happened, but there is so little that I feel I can write.

I have done something to my hip, and it hurts. It is much improved from when it first started, but I don't know if I should run the 10km tomorrow, and I have been training for this one for months. At least I did a different 10km a couple of weeks ago and managed my goal time in that one (58 minutes), so the disappointment is mildly diminished.

I can run about 5km at home without any issues, but I'm concerned that if I did the full 10km, it would aggravate it even more.

Obs and Gynae rotation is going far better than expected, and I am really enjoying it. Apart from nearly fainting during my first caesarian and being chased out of the theatre by an overly aggressive nurse before the second one could start, the experiences have been positive.

I don't think I could work in that area, as I would be so very concerned for the mothers and babies, but it is a fantastic area to do a student placement in. The vast majority of patients have happy outcomes, and I get to see a lot of babies and pregnant ladies, both of whom I really enjoy spending time with.

Mr TGWTBS is also away for work for a great many weeks, so I'm grateful for long days. I really don't like being home alone, and as much fun as the cats are, they aren't the same as human company. Intern applications are also coming up, so I'm stressed about that as well.

What are the healthy ways for a medical student (or anybody) to cope with stress? Exercise. Find positive and fun active things to do in your down time. Plan out your day. Minimise the stress by delegating the things you don't have to do. Laugh. I know it all in theory, now to put it all into practice.

Rotation 2 - done!

I'm glad the last rotation is over.

I didn't mind the individual areas, but mixing them up like that with no particular goal in mind was very tiring.

Now we have a week of holidays, and Mr TGWTBS and I are flying off to the tropics for a week at the beach. I'm very excited. :D

My next rotation will involve catching babies, and I'm looking forward to it.

I have also confirmed my elective placements for the end of the year, which should give me a much clearer idea of what I want to do. Half will be in radiology, the other half in psychiatry.

Better

Today was brilliant, and made up for the rest of the week. I got the chance to do a lot of things. I need to work on a lot of skills if I want to be proficient in certain things, but as I am unlikely to be an anaesthetist (or ICU specialist or ED physician), these aren't vital to my future career.

I'm grateful for the chance to have a go at improving these skills, and grab the chance when I can get it. God knows when I will need to use the in the future, and I would prefer to be as skilled as I can.

Running also helps clear out the cobwebs. I am not physically tired, and it is fascinating that when you go for a run, the mental exhaustion just clears away.

The remaining days aren't looking so bad, after all.

Enough, already

I am so exhausted right now. I feel like I just want to lie down and sleep for months.

I am happiest when I'm busy and have a list of things to do, but right now I just get to sit back and watch the anaesthetist do most things, and when the surgery is happening, I am pretty much watching somebody watch somebody else, which is the most exhausting kind of watching of all.

I would jump in and assist the surgeon, except there are third-year medical students on prac who should be doing it before me.

I would jump in and help intubate or put lines in, except there is a paramedic student there who takes precedence. I can sort-of see the point of this, except she is only in her second year out of four and is not very keen to touch a real patient, and I am in my last year and almost a doctor and will be expected to be able to be competent at managing airways in six months. Sorry, please forgive my frustration.

We are in the last week of an eight week rotation, in which we have been changing areas every week or two. This is thoroughly exhausting, as we have very little idea of what we are supposed to be doing apart from turning up every day. There are no lectures, the only teaching we get is from the staff we are working with on the day, and to be honest it feels like such a token exercise, which is a bit of a concern considering that this is the only critical care rotation that we get all year.

I would love to go to a lecture or three rather than take myself through a set of slides that may or may not have anything to do with what I am learning. I don't deal well with not having goals. I am very goal-centered.

Three more days, then I go on holidays, and then I have my Obs&Gynae rotation. I am looking forward to digging into this rotation, figuratively speaking. Bring on the babies!

The dreaded lurgy

There really isn't a lot to talk about medicine-wise, except that I have managed to catch an URTI from the doctors. I'm not sure which doctor, as they were all coming into work as sick as dogs (which doctors are pretty much expected to do). I have taken a little time off to get well.

Normally I push myself to go in and then have to pike after a couple of hours, but I am making myself stay home and rest for a day or so in the hope that I will get over this silly thing faster.

The really sad thing is that I am going to have to miss the 8km Mother's Day Classic fun run. :( Oh well.